Into mind

April and May were an emotional rollercoaster with lots of tension at work that left me drained with energy and low spirits. It started with a simple conflict over vacations dates which could have been handled in a civil manner. Instead my boss raised her voice, her tone getting harsher by the second, vindicative while I was stunned by the intensity of her anger.

I had time to reflect after my tears dried up, spending the night tossing the matter over and over in my head, that from a textbook legal point of view, I had been wrong. But the pain, humiliation to be berated stung, my decade old professional relationship shaken in a few minutes. Still I gathered my nerves, went back to work, told my boss I would draw the consequences of our previous meeting - in short "you win"- I'm rolling over and submitting to you. 

I thought it would stop at that but she wanted to talk. I didn't. Nonetheless my sleepless teary night had left me with a lot to say. So ok, let's have a go for it. She casually admitted having been "hard" when I shared with her my feelings on her radioactive attitude. It could have stopped right here. You know a little pow-wow, I'm wrong - you're wrong, truce and let's move on. 

No, she wanted to express what was in her opinion at the root of the conflict, she didn't know me she said. Just like that. After about 10 years in her employment, I was summed up to the fact that I was not talkative enough, secretive even, asking me even "why I was like that"... That last draw actually left me mute, pun intended! Haha! I couldn't see what was the point of her rubbish psycho bull... analysis in regard with an administrative schedule issue.   

I guess in her very French state of mind, she wants me to spill the beans on everything that goes on in my life - while paradoxically stating that my intimate life is my own of course (!), to voice my opinion on every sterile topic du jour and grumble about the latest thing supposedly going wrong in this country. It's very French I get it but the "why" escapes me.

I'm just not like that. Especially at work. Don't get me wrong, I looove râler (complaining about everything!) and debating over almost anything but see I just don't mistake my bosses for my friends, I'm cordial, do my job and try my best to accomplish it properly. I actually thought it was the essence of any professional activity. How delusional was I. 

Because being efficient is not enough, talking about the movies I saw, the places I was raised in, visited, my health issues, seeing me carrying around massive books in English, the obvious fact -to everyone else who ever met me in my entire life that I love fashion were not enough. My mind was not known to her... Well, what's going on in my mind - if not work related, nor with any impact on it - is not my hierarchy's business.  

Suffice to say that her last words shattered any little trust I had in her and that I realised that if she thought I was a stranger, she had definitely shown her true self and I didn't like what I saw at all.   

So I've been talking but with friends and family of this. It helped a lot. I've also worked hard on my resume, searched for opportunities. Also a new - male - friendship blossomed quite unexpectedly out of nowhere and it was so exhilarating to get to know someone from another continent, with a whole different life but somehow sharing common likings (shopping!! Haha!) and experiences. 

All this attention and affection I was lucky to receive when I needed it soothed me and helped me to let go of the drama and move forward. 

I always wanted to keep this space light and essentially about fashion but this little crisis took a toll on me and now that I can put down words on it without any violent emotional reaction, I wanted to let you know that I didn't abandon this blog permanently and at first I meant to keep my reasons short and vague. Debating whether to post this or not. To be honest I'm not exactly sure why I'm publishing this, I'm not venting nor seeking any comfort maybe in a sick and twisted way my boss's words rooted in me and I wanted to let you know what's been going on in my mind lately. Anyway, I'm back. I have no idea what I'll write about next and as my camera broke down, you'll have to make do with the few crappy iPhone 4 outfits pics I managed to snap when I do a recap post ! Haha!